


While We Can

by Okadiah



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Love Languages, Not super angsty, and kind of ache, but you get to the end, it's angsty guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:35:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26258011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okadiah/pseuds/Okadiah
Summary: Kanan contemplates the ways Hera tells him she loves him, and everything he wants for them.Prompt 3 for Kanera Week 2020.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 18
Kudos: 50
Collections: Kanera Week 2020





	While We Can

**Author's Note:**

> Where I brought the cute fluff in the last one here is the angst. It's not, like, super angsty, but you kind of ache at the end. Just a heads up. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Despite the years together, it had taken Kanan a ridiculously long time to understand the way Hera showed her care and affection.

It wasn't that he hadn't tried to understand. He had. For years he had, and sometimes – most times – it was easy because they'd never felt the need to define their relationship. It just _was_ , something they'd grown and developed that flowed like water between them, invisible and real. Dependable and maybe the best thing he knew in his life. Usually labeling anything about it never _mattered_ because the care and affection were always there. He knew Hera was there for him in a way no one else ever had been or ever was, and he was there for her. They were equals. Partners. There was no one else he'd rather have in his corner.

But sometimes he couldn't help but think about what they were, compared to other couples. Lovers? Absolutely. Girlfriend and boyfriend? After so long together the words didn't strike hard enough for what they had. But the few times he'd brought up the possibility of defining what they were with her, calling it more what their relationship really was, Hera hedged.

At its heart, he got it, he really did. They'd grown up during the Clone Wars, and the traumas that piece of history had inflicted ... well, all these years later he was _still_ unpacking his own. Hera was the same. Her father had been a rebel leader on Ryloth and she'd struggled to gain his approval all her life. She'd lost her brother and her mother, and everything about her life had been wildly uncertain. Defining important relationships probably was like tempting fate for her. Asking it to take that special someone away.

Kanan knew because he'd felt the _exact_ same way, which was why for most of their relationship, he'd completely agreed with her. She was one of the most important people in his life – _the_ most important person – and he'd do anything to avoid losing her, even if it was a bit superstitious.

But since forming the crew, since coming out as a Jedi again, since his blinding and the rebellion and well ... everything ... his views on what they were and what he hoped they might be one day had changed. He wanted more with her, even if the future wasn't certain and anything could happen. He wanted _everything_ with her.

Unfortunately, the pressures of leadership and the growing rebellion made it easier for her to avoid the possibilities of what they could one day be.

"We can talk about it later," she always insisted when he attempted to bring it up. "Is now really the time?"

He wanted to argue because when _would_ the time be right? Would it ever be right? Even if Palpatine were dethroned, they'd spend the time after building a new republic and putting down uprisings and threats that lingered from the Empire. She would work till she dropped, he knew, and would push these things back as long as she could. That was just how she was. Not because she meant to, but because she'd already lost so much. She was afraid.

He didn't argue with her though, not much, because too much pressure would push her away and the _last_ thing he wanted was to give up what little time they did have together. But now that he wanted more, he couldn't help but analyze their relationship in a way he never had before everything had become so ... _real_.

She'd never told him she loved him, not once. And it shouldn't matter because there were a million ways she _did_ show her affection. The tender pet-names and companionable quiet they could share together. The understanding and compassion she gave him when he was struggling or in need of help. The fact that she was _always_ there for him, and had been for years when he needed her most. That she trusted him. That, though they'd never demanded it from each other, they'd been faithful and never strayed.

It had taken him time – _so much time_ – to realize that the way she said she loved him was without words. And he'd _known_ that. He always had. And most days he was content with that. Most days, it was enough. _More_ than enough even. And since his blinding, he had the Force to help him feel that too. He could _feel_ her love. That was more than most ever got. He _knew_ , even if she never said.

But he also could feel her fear. Her hesitance. Her want for everything he wanted too, and the hope that if she worked harder than she'd ever worked in her life that she could control _this one thing_. That she would get to keep him. Keep all of them. She was a rebellion leader. An ace pilot. A surrogate mother, teacher, and mentor. She'd become _incredible_.

And he loved her for her hope. For struggling against the future. For attempting to own it and make it bend for _her_. Kanan wanted her to be right because if anyone could do it, it _should_ be her.

But he was disillusioned and had been since childhood. Since the Clone Wars and losing his master, the Jedi, his absolute faith in the Force. It had taken him years, but he _had_ come to terms with what had happened. He _did_ believe in the ultimate goodness of the Force and its wisdom.

It didn't mean he believed that anyone was safe, however, and his connection to the Force meant he knew this better than most. The only thing that was guaranteed was the moment they had _right now_ and the most they could make _of_ that moment. The future wasn't promised, no matter how much they wanted it to be. Especially not for them.

So when he could, as gently as he could, Kanan tried. Tried for more. Tried to help her see. He wanted her to never have regrets about them and what they could be.

And yeah, he might never hear her say she loved him, even if he realized it was something he wanted. Of course he knew she loved him, but he wanted ... maybe it was selfish, but he wanted to see her overcome her fear and _tell_ him. He wanted to share that with her. He wanted it _for_ her, so she would know she was confident enough about them, about herself, to know she _could_.

But if she didn't, it would be okay. He would still listen to all of her silent ways and tell her how much he loved her enough for the both of them.

But he hoped one day she would say it. And he hoped ...

He hoped it wouldn't come too late.


End file.
